SportsBender Exclusive: Oklahoma State University Installs In-Bench Breathalyzers

Stillwater, OK–The recent drug-related offenses of former Oklahoma State basketball coaches, Eddie Sutton in 2006 and Sean Sutton in 2010, threaten to overshadow the legendary “I’m a man, I’m 40” rant by Oklahoma State’s Head Football Coach, Mike Gundy. If each Cowboy coaching hire was as cognizant to the responsibilities of manhood as Gundy, the aforementioned arrests would not have emerged to tarnish the program’s positive progress in recent years. Newly-renovated Gallagher-Iba Arena, the Cowboys’ luxurious locker rooms, and the school’s training facilities remain rivaled by few athletic departments in the country, largely due to generous donations from billionaire Cowboy-alum, T. Boone Pickens.

Immediately after former Cowboys’ coach Sean Sutton’s arrest for illegal possession of prescription drugs, the OSU athletic department spearheaded a plan to prevent similar public relations “black-eyes” (or bloodshot eyes in the case of Sutton). The task force, after hours of debate and deliberation, reached the eventual conclusion that drug abuse by members of the school’s current and former coaching staff is unacceptable. Rather than firing all the current coaches as one coach suggested, the group focused on present and future preventative measures. T. Boone Pickens offered to buy all the booze in Oklahoma and store it in “a big bathtub,” but the group wisely reflected on the inadequacies of the Prohibition Era in the early 20th century. In the end, a simple, yet effective consensus was reached. Oklahoma State would install college basketball’s very first in-bench breathalyzer and “whizzinator.”

The OSU athletic department conveniently commissioned a small group of Stillwater policemen, as well as Oklahoma’s very own “Kelly Miller Circus,” to design the in-bench innovation. The collaboration resulted in a traditional breathalyzer hooked to a “test of strength” type arrow and “buzz” barometer. The sobriety scale’s 5 stages: Level 1, an illegal Deion Sanders and Dez Bryant wine-tasting party, Level 2, former coaching candidate and Oklahoma native, Billy Gillispie, Level 3, Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers, Level 4, Sean Sutton, and Level 5, Eddie Sutton.

The accompanying “whizzenator,” serves as a 7-inch hole near the end of the team’s bench, allowing the Cowboys’ coaches to supply pre-game samples. Inherently invasive, a breakaway curtain and padded lid were consequently added after the group’s initial test runs to the “X and O outhouse.” Expect other schools to intall similar “temperance tests,” including West Virginia, Stanford, Southern Mississippi, and Ohio.

Additional changes remain on the horizon for OSU. Officials will paint a straight line in front of the team’s bench on Gallagher-Iba Arena’s floor as an additional testing tool. The school also plans to change the court’s name from Eddie Sutton Court to Eddie Sutton Courtroom. In addition, the innovative folks at Nike have designed a new apparel line of orange jumpsuits for the Cowboys’ coaches. The revolutionary threads combine an anti-flask design (pocket-less) with the latest breakthroughs in “dry-fit” technology.

Ultimately, the Oklahoma State athletic department deserves a “Pistol Pete” two-gun salute for addressing the problems previously plaguing the school’s athletic programs. Hopefully, the rest of the NCAA will enact a similar zero-tolerance stance towards “skipper” sobriety.

The stories of drug and steroid abuse has shaken the very foundation of sports entertainment, not to mention the rapid increase in alcohol intake amongst players so breathanalyzer is nothing short of a boon in this regard as now games will seem like 안전놀이터, a playground of safety where there are no shortcuts to success.

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